wHy i aLwaYs LiKe tO tHinK sO mUcH??

Szcien, what a cowardly person..

Sum1 who dun dare on everything..

Sum1 who like to think too much..

Haiz..

Today..

3 of my ji mui went to camping..

Actually I feel like goin back to visit them..

But when I asked them..

They say they'll be busy..

So.. I think I dun be so busybody ba..

Mayb they dun wan to see me?

Dunno ler..

( Think too much again ) ><

It's raining just now..

Really worried abt them..

Especially ling jie..

Coz I know she's sick..

Dunno she feel better le ma..?

Hmm..

Feel like messaging them..

But I dun dare.. AGAIN !! -_-

Where is my courage?

I scare I'll disturb them..

I scare they're slping..

( Although I knew that they wont slp so early.. ) -_-

I scare they're still busy..

I scare I'll interupt them..

Mayb they din on their phone?

( Giving excuses to myself AGAIN )

Haiz..

Although I know that I'm giving excuses to myself..

Although I know that I shud be more initiative.. just send that msg..

But I still dun dare..

I dunno why I worried abt so many thing..

Why cant I just send that msg?

I really duno..-_-

I want them to know that I worried abt them..

I know if I dun do anything..

They wont know that I'm worrying abt them..

But I still dun dare to do anything..

All I could do is just say it in blog..

Hoping that they'll know when they view my blog sumday..

Hmm..

Stupid rite?

But it's me.. the stupid szcien, sum1 who like to think too much!!

All I hope is..

I could chg myself to be better..

To be more courageous..

To be more initiative..

Not to worry so much..

Lastly..

I hope they'll know what am I thinking..

I hope they'll know that..

They still got this mui worry abt them..

Jiayou!! N face it !! ><

I tot the prob has solved..

N I've a chat with her..( her aka my close fren )

At the beginning..

We chat abt sumthing like usual..

I feel better that time..

Coz we still can chat..

I heard that she's moody..

I tried to make her happy..

Although I'm still worry abt our frenship..

But I dun dare to let any1 know..

I scare it'll affect our frenship again..

I dun wan to make it worse bcoz of my sensitive again..

I very cherish abt this frenship..

But what can I do..

I'm the 1 who ruined it..

She's suppose to angry abt me..

I wont ask for much..

As long as I'm still her fren..

As long as I'm still her mei..

Nothing much n nothing less..

We chat until halfway..

We started to chat back abt this prob again..

Actually I hate to chat abt this prob..

Coz it'll make me bad mood n start to think much again..

But jie wanna talk abt it..

Then I'll hear it n talk abt it..

I said sorry to her..

N she wan compensation from me..

I said.. what do u wan from me?

At the beginning..

It's very normal..

Coz I'm talking abt lame thing n try to jokes..

( I know it's not funny but just trying to make the condition not that cold )

After that..

She told me that things gotta be diff..

I said " then I hope it wont be a big diff "..

She said.. it wont be big..

I REALLY HOPE SO..

Seriously..

When I heard abt that..

I start to feel no energy to type..

My hand start to feel numb..

I dun wan to continue the chat..

But in order to make it like normal..

I tried to chat like normal by saying that I'll try to accept how u gotta treat me..

I know it cant be change much..

It's the fact.. n I deserve it..

I'm afraid..

Really afraid..

I duno how to face her..

Time is passing secs by secs..

N tml..

We'll meet at skul..

Cant stop thinking abt how she gotta treat me..

Looking at the sky..

Sky are turning darker n darker..

It's gotta be tml..

What will really happen??

All the thing cant be reverse..

What can I do now..

Is just FACE IT!!

Szcien..

Jiayou ba !!

Ntg much will be diff.. GAMBATEH!!

( Trying to cheat myself again -_- )

i'M tHe OnE wHo RuiNeD eVerYtHinG ...

Everything had been ruined by me..
Bcoz of my selfishness..

I duno what the hell am i thinking..
Keep thinking the negative side..
Make me keep showing my black face..

I cried..
Make my fren cried also..
I duno I gotta make how many ppl cry in this week..

Things ald happened.. coz by me..
But I duno what to do at last..
I know things cant be back like normal..
I dun even hav the courage to apologize..
Bcoz I noe my apologize.. is worthless..
Even though I apologize for 1000 times..
They also wont hav any feel..

I feel very sorry to all my sisters..
We suppose to sing k happily..
I wasted their money..
I make every1's mood sux..
Just bcoz of my selfishness n my stupid brain!!
I ruined my yeng jie's 1st p trip..
I feel very sorry..

N now..
I only know that I dun hav much fren..
I duno who to talk to when this thing happened!!
I hav no fren except u all..
But I'm making u all not to talk to me..
Saying that u're speechless to me..
Saying that u dun wan to know anything..
My heart really feel pain..
But what can I do?
It's all my fault!!

Now only I know..
How lonely am I without u all..

Jies..
PLEASE DUN LEAVE ME..
I KNEW THAT I'M WRONG..
I DUN EXPECT U ALL WILL FORGIVE ME..
COZ EVEN MYSELF ALSO CANT FORGIVE MYSELF!!

N now..
THE USELESS SZCIEN REALLY DUNO WHAT TO DO T-T

i MaDe mY fReNs cRiED iN fRoNT oF mE ><

Dunno what the dutz happened in this week..
Today is just Wednesday..
Not even 1 week..
I adi made 2 of my frens CRIED !!! -_-

Monday..
I made the 1st person cried..
Early in the morning..
I just come out from the toilet.. T
hen I saw some of my frens sitting at the hall..
After that..
I tot wanna play with my fren..
I just beat her shoulder..
Then she scared until cried.. -_-
I was like.. OMG!! What happened??
Then my other fren told me that..
She was saying that she saw "ghost" when she come to skul..
Then..
I scared her -_-
I dunno what happened n I made my fren cries..
Haiz

Wednesday.. which is today!!
I made 1 of my jie.. CRIED!! T-T
She cant tahan that I dun choi her n dun talk to her at skul..
N showing her that kind of emo face..
She adi feel very san fu this week..
N I still did this kind of thing to her.. -
_-
Seriously..
I also duno why I'm so childish..
Angry her bcoz I'm hap chou (jealous) that she became so close with wawa..
The childish n sensitive me.. think too much again!!
I din hear her explaination then I straightly show her the emo face..
I knew that she'll be very san fu this week..
But I'm still making her burden became heavier n heavier!!
She nid to do her stuff..
She nid to worry abt her thing..
N now.. She nid to worry abt my thing also..

If this thing happened to me, I sure cried long time ago adi..
But jie adi tahan for 3 days..
N at last she cant take it anymore.. n she cried..
I really feel aorry abt that!!
But.. sorry really NO CURE!!
Why am I so childish?
Suddenly angry bcoz of this small little thing..
N never think abt her!!

Making her sad..
Making myself sad also..
Heart really pain like hell!!
Pain until I feel numb adi..
Feel like crying..
But there were no tears coming out from my eyes!!-_-
Think too much really makes me suffer!!!
Think of leaving.. Think of many thing..
All those thing .. really is RUBBISH!!
I duno why my stupid brain will think of that kind of stuff T-T

It's really making me suffer!!!

Now..
I'm here to apologize for all the things that I've done..
Although I know it's too late..
Sorry for frightening u, Ching!!
Sorry for making u to worry abt me, jie!!
Another sorry to wawa.. I know I shudn't hap chou!!

Haiz ...

fEELiNG uSeLeSS aGaiN n aGaiN ...

Do I really looks like an invisible person?
It's like no 1 noticed my present?
Standing there like a "sha gua"..
Sitting there like a bendan..

What also duno, makes me really think that I'm a useless person..
Even the most simple thing.. tie my own hair..
I also got prob with it..
What happened to me?
Do I really hav those disease that I cant do any simple thing by myself?
Like Daniel Radcliffe?
He cant even tie his shoeslace by himself..
But I dun hav that prob.. -_-

As my mom said..
I dun even know how to manage my time..
Yes.. I admit!!
It's SPM year.. n I'm still doin ntg for the exam..
Not doin any preparation.. On9 everyday..
Haiz..
Looking at my fren who's doin their preparation..
I start to cheat myself that SPM still got long time to go..
What the dutz am I doin?
Why cant I just hold the book all the time..
Doin preparation / revision?
Keep cheating myself that.. even I study.. I also duno how to do the question..
What the dutz am I thinking?
I dun even study how I know that I duno how to do it?
As my fren said.. I'm not that kind person who is "stupid"..
Dunno anything abt study..
Sumtimes.. they do call me pro -_-
I duno isit real or just call for fun.. haiz
No matter how.. I agreed with what she said..
I'm not that kind that's "stupid" one..
Why dun I work harder for my future?
Everyday go skul.. doin ntg..
Sit there chit chattng with frens..
Then just end the day like that..
Go skul is not for study.. is to meet frens n chit chat -_-
Learn ntg..
Then what for I go to skul?

I'm once an useful person..
When they nid u, they'll think that u're useful or mayb important..
Where else when another important person appears..
They'll think that u're not important or maybe useful ANYMORE!!
Duno why these days.. I got this kind of feel..
I feel insecure.. when another person start to stick my fren..
N they became very close..
"1 person cant concentrate on 2 sides"..
I totally agree with it!!
Mayb u can but u cant make both sides perfect..
I really feel very insecure..
When u're not replying my msg..
When u're not playing with me like usual..
When u're not sitting with me during tuition..
When both of u were talking abt sumthing that I dun understand..
Sitting there.. hearing what u 2 say..
Dun understand but dun dare to ask..
Just using my logic to combine what I heard as a story?
Haiz..
I was thinking.. Did i do anything wrong to u?
So that u treat me with that way?
I duno.. mayb I just "hap chou" (jealous) ?
Or mayb too sensitive.. think too much again?
Mayb I shud let 2 of u to stick together n I just leave quietly?
Just be back the lonely gal?
Feeling useless..
I cant even grab u when the other person appeared..
Just think of wanna leave quietly..
What the dutz am I thinking again? -_-

Feeling useless that I cant even help when my fren ask for my help..
Just trying to run away from it..
Giving excuses that I duno..
U're sick but I still cant do anything..
U're asking for my help n I played emo..
Seriously.. when I was looking at the script.. I really duno what to do..
I just know how to say sorry..
N not contributing anything..
Sorry, sorry n sorry.. -_-
Sorry NO CURE!!

Feeling useless that making my sis to worry abt me..
Duno what happened to myself..
I'll emo easily..
Just emo bcoz of a small little thing..
( o.O.. so small gas )
Making them to worry abt me..
I really feel sorry..
( Sorry AGAIN?! )
Mayb too sensitive really makes me feel bad..
Think too much just making me to emo / bad mood!!

Sumtimes really think that I'm a busybody..
Like everything also related to me..
Mayb I shud just sit there n do ntg?
But I scared u'll say that I dun care abt u..
Haiz..

Feel like changing my bad attitude for being too sensitive..
But duno why..
I CANT CHANGE IT!!
I cant even change my stupid bad attitude..
USELESS T_T

I duno why this kind of useless brain..
Still wanna think so much..
Haiz..